My First Batch of Observations

• Apparently, if you tell a cabbie in Mazatlán to take you to a spot where you can meet local women, you get dropped off at what appears to be a shitty hotel, but what actually turns out to be just a whorehouse on the outskirts of town.
• The cabbies here see white skin and double their quoted prices, until you tell them in Spanish, “Fuck you man! I live here. I’m no goddamned tourist.” Then they quote you the right price.
• Pre-packaged, pre-sliced toast is perfect because it never gets stale, ever. It can’t even grow mold, I think.
• White people all look alike to Mexicans, which really helps when you’re sneaking into bars, clubs and resorts.
• There’s a law here that can be paraphrased like this: “It is unlawful to seduce a minor with promises of marriage without actually going through with said marriage.” Let me break this down for you in case you didn’t catch how preposterous this is. Seducing a minor: OK. Lying about your intentions to marry a minor: OK. Combining the two: Not OK.
• When you meet a local girl in a club and she starts talking about her troubles paying her bills, do not try to get her into bed. Her home will have no electricity. On the way to this home, she will go into a store to buy potato chips, asking you for the equivalent of US$5 to pay for them. When she comes out of the store, she will be carrying a bag of chips which you know to cost only US$0.30.
• I’ve been duped! I walked into an art school that had gorgeous women seemingly oozing out of the cracks in the walls. I asked the administrator if there was a ceramics class available, to which she responded, “Yes, but you’d be the only Gringo and the only guy in the whole class.” I replied, “What a shame…where do I sign?” Then I showed up for the first day of class and I was the only Gringo, and I was the only guy, but I also was the only person under 50 fucking years old. Anyway, I’m learning how to make a bowl. It’s pretty tough, but I think with enough practice….
• While surfing and boogie-boarding are extremely popular with Mexicans, body surfing is apparently something that never crossed the border. When I swam out in the water with no accessories and caught some good waves, the Mexican surfers looked at me like I was Jesus, or, rather Jesús.
• I got an electric two-burner stove a couple days ago. Each burner has just an on/off switch, with no sort of temperature control or anything. When I took it out of the package and plugged it in, I should have checked if the switches had been accidentally flipped to “on” during shipping and storage. What I really shouldn’t have done was look at the burner and think, “That’s such an interesting color of metal. I wonder what it feels like.”
• There’s a Wal-Mart, Sam’s Club, OfficeMax, Starbucks, Burger King, McDonald’s, Baskin & Robbin’s, Dairy Queen, Home Depot, Holiday Inn, Howard Johnson, Crowne Plaza and Hilton here in Mazatlán, México. It’s possible to live here permanently without ever feeling like you left LA.
• The water is periodically shut off in my part of town to make enough water for the touristy and ex-pat part of town. Last night, I met a girl who proclaimed she was having the worst day ever because her hotel shower had run out of hot water after only three minutes. That same day, I had to shower with a bucket of non-potable water which I had collected from a leaky pipe underneath my sink. I walked away from her immediately. Hey Lynette, wherever you are: Fuck You.
• It’s hard to speak Spanish with your mouth full. Or while chewing gum. Or when tired. Or anytime, really. Speaking Spanish is hard.
• It’s a lot easier to stay sober here than I thought it would be, mostly because I’m reminded daily that this is a lethal place for a blackout drunk.
• Cabbies—and really all Mexicans who gain a living from tourism—absolutely LOVE you if you swindle Gringos for them (e.g. by telling the tourists that $100 pesos is the normal price for a cab ride of that length, while ushering them into the cab). And once you’re among the fold of cabbies, you’re in, babe, you’re in.
• I’ve become very good at nodding assent and making agreeable noises while people are talking to or around me, as though I’m actually understanding what they’re saying. It’s all about listening to the rhythm of the words rather than the words themselves. Wait for a slight pause in the cadence, and then interject with a “uh-huh” or “sí,” and everyone is fooled into thinking that you’re following right along. The problem with this method is that there are inevitably times when you unknowingly promise to attend bible study and dinner at the nearby missionary school.
• For the sake of your digestive system and general wellbeing, when a group of Mexican toddlers is eating from a bowl of chilies like they’re candy, don’t assume it’s safe. It is in no way safe, you Western European-stomached fuck. Then, as if flaming insides weren’t enough to teach you a lesson, you’ll have to answer questions from the toddlers like, “What, you don’t like your dinner?” and worse, “Why are you crying?”
• Food poisoning, food poisoning is no fun. Food poisoning, food poisoning hurts someone.
• $12-an-hour massages are better than sex, which, coincidentally, runs $55 for the same amount of time.